Alijah & Aaliyah's 1st Angelversary

Alijah Shayne & Aaliyah Kristine,

It's been a year since the day that I lost you and I have had a clouded view ever since.  Not a day goes by that I do not think of your precious faces!  Mommy and Daddy miss you more than words express, but I am happy that you get to spend all of this time with your BIG sister until we arrive.  

I have so many unanswered questions, why? how? Things just do not make sense, but I know that in the arms of Jesus you both are safe and loved beyond belief.  I wish you both, although with your sister, were here to spend Christmas with us.  That I could be watching you grow into beautiful/handsome toddlers!

I've done a few things in the memory of you both. 
http://www.facebook.com/HeavensAngelsArise 
I design "affirmation of life" and "promotion to heaven" certificates for other angel families.  I am proud to say that I do all of this in your memory.

I also have a "Held Your Whole Life" charm necklace, among many other things!

Alijah and Aaliyah, I love you more than words could ever express! 

Love, 
Mommy <3

Grade Report

I got my final grade from last 9 weeks... In University Composition and Communication I, I finished the class with a 92%, which is a A-. I am super happy with how I did. On my final exam, I got 24pts out of the 25 pts that were possible! I did my final exam on Traditional Education verses Online Education. In Principles of Healthy and Wellness, I finished the class with a 94.6%, which is an A. And on my final exam I received a 100%. My final exam is the presentation that I shared with you a few weeks back on Endometriosis. I just started new classes after a week off. My new classes are University Composition and Communication II and Media and American Culture. I'll update you on that as time goes on! Until Next Time...

Endometriosis Final

I had to complete a Powerpoint presentation for my finals! I thought that I would share it since I chose to do it about Endometriosis.

Endometriosis is the abnormal growth of cells (endometrial cells are cells that shed each month with your menstrual cycle) similar to those that form the inside of the uterus, but in a location outside of the uterus. These cells are also non-cancerous.

Although, the specific cause of Endometriosis is unknown there are a few things that can lead to Endometriosis being a problem. Retrograde menstruation is the backwards flow of blood up into the Fallopian tubes sticking to whatever it lands on and starts to grow. Immune system malfunction is another theory of causing Endometriosis. Some women's immune systems allow endometriosis to develop by not controlling or stopping the growth of tissue outside of the uterus. Researchers have found that families can carry bad genes that allow abnormal cells to survive and grow in the pelvic area. Families having genes that allow abnormal cell growth and survival is also considered a risk factor. Along with menstrual cycle factors, allergies, obesity, and exposure to toxins. Women who start their menstrual cycle at an early age are more likely to suffer from Endometriosis, along with heavy, painful periods, short menstrual cycles and long periods. Endometriosis is also linked to allergies (food, eczema and hay fever), obesity, and exposure to toxins. Environmental pollution (like dioxins) are suspected of helping the development of endometriosis.

The only way to be diagnosed with endometriosis is by having a surgical procedure done called a laparoscopy, which is a small incision or a laparotomy, which is a lard incision. Medical treatment options are available for women in their reproductive years. These medications include GnRH analogs, oral contraceptive pills, and progestins. Surgical treatment options are classified as either conservative or definitive. Conservative is when the uterus and ovarian tissue is preserved. Meanwhile, a definitive classification involves a hysterectomy, with or without the removal of the ovaries as well. Having a laparoscopy done, endometrial implants can be removed by a laser, but if the disease has progressed to much, a laparotomy may be required. Since a specific cause of endometriosis can not be found and it is poorly understood, at this time endometriosis can not be prevents. Although, long-term use of birth control can help prevent the disease from progressing.

There currently are two controllable risk factors that contribute to the growth of endometriosis. Becoming in better shape by working out or doing aerobic exercises 5 days a week can help slow down the process of endometriosis. Our environment and the air that we breathe exposes use to many toxins that are unhealthy for use. The only way to control this problem is to change the area in which we live. Some people may be able to do this, while others may not. Uncontrollable risk factors also influence endometriosis. Allergies and menstrual factors play a large roll in women having endometriosis. In most women the flow of menstrual blood flows backwards to some extent.

The link between the immune system and endometriosis is actually quite simple. The job of the immune system is to cleanse out retrograde menstruation so that cells do not grow in places they are not supposed to. If the immune system does not remove menstrual fluid out of the pelvic cavity properly or the chemicals that are made by endometriosis, the fluid and/or chemicals may irritate or promote growth into other areas of the body. Studies have found that women who have endometriosis are more likely to have immune system disorders, where the body attacks its own tissues. Researchers have found that further study of the immune system may give clues of causes and treatment for this disease.

The Endometriosis Association (EA) is a non profit self-help organization that offers help and support to those affected by endometriosis. They educate the public and medical community about the disease, and fund and promote research related to endometriosis. The Endometriosis Research Center (ERC) is open and free to all those concerned with Endometriosis, including, medical staff, researchers, women of all ages with endometriosis, or anyone who is interested in the disease. It is their goal to make a positive difference in the lives of millions suffering from this disease.

There is no cure for endometriosis. There are many ways that you can help ease pain such as hormone therapy, taking out tissue with laparoscopic surgery, having a hysterectomy or oophorectomy. There are pros and cons to each one of these methods used to relieve pain.

I learned a lot during the research of this presentation. Check out my references for yourself... it might surprise you what you don't know about this disease!

Heaven Lee's 2nd Angelversary

Yesterday was Heaven's 2 year Angelversary! It's crazy to think that I would have a 17 month old right now! Now, I won't say that I did as good as last year, emotionally. It was a little rough for me! Lord, how I wish I could hold them in my arms... Dearest Heaven Lee, Wow, Baby Girl, I can't believe it has been 2 years since we said "good-bye"! I want you to know that I think about you all of the time and wonder all sorts of things. My mind is kind of a mystery when it comes to you, your little brother, and little sister! You hold a piece of my heart, Heaven Lee, a piece that no one will ever have! It's yours to keep. It gives me hope knowing that I have you 3 looking over me everyday! How lucky am I to have such BEAUTIFUL guardian angels?! Rest easy knowing that your mommy loves you sooooooo much and wishes you were here to cuddle with! Love Always, Mommy Until Next Time...

The Next Week

The next week or so is going to be very busy... In school, I am finishing up my second set of classes! So, from now until October 14th I have 2 finals to do! For University Composition and Communications I, I have to write a 1050 word compare and contrast essay about "Traditional Education vs. Online Education". Currently I have a 95% in that class so things have went decent so far. In Principles of Health and Wellness, I have to create a 8-10 slide powerpoint presentation on a specific chronic illness. I have chosen mine to be about, ENDOMETRIOSIS!!! :) Current I have a 97.86%! The next few weeks are going to be exciting to say the least.... Shane has to turn himself in October 4th to do his 30 days county time. :/ I'm not to excited about this one, but I would rather him get it over with so that he can be home for the holidays this year. SO, the next week and 4 days will be consumed of me spending as much time as possible with my baby! Other than that, things are alright! I mean we are definitely making the best out of our situation. But honestly, did you expect anything different than that? Heaven's Angelversary is coming up.... a week from today Until Next Time...

September 11th

September 11th isn't just any other day for me or my family. Nor will it EVER be! On 9/11/1963 my grandmother delivered a baby, who would one day become my father. Yesterday he turned 49 years young! Happy Birthday, Dad! On 9/11/2001 a tragedy impacted not just select families within the U.S. but every person who felt compassion for our country and it's loses. Never Forget! On 9/11/2009 my brother and his friend were training for a triathlon when they we struck from behind and left on the side of the road. After a half hour they were found and life-flighted. Thankful they are still here with us! On 9/11/2011 again something life changing happened... I met and fell in love with my soul mate. Our relationship has experienced laughter, tears, and compassion on another level. I am so thankful to have been blessed with a man who can not only share my life, but who can teach me as well as learn right along beside me. Happy Anniversary, Shane Michael! September 11th has brought both joy and sadness to my life, but one thing is for certain, everyone of these dates listed above has been life-changing experiences. Thank you, Lord, for bringing me through the storms to realize just how blessed I am. Until Next Time...

Craziest Week of My Life

Well the person that Shane and I were staying with decided to kick us out. We only had 3 days to do it, with no money and no place to things were quite difficult. So, now we are living in a tent... AWESOME! Shane goes to jail October 4th! I am not looking forward to this one... 30 days is to long :/ but I will be glad for it to be done and over with. School is going decent, tomorrow starts my 5th week of classes! Both classes grades are in the 90% range and I'm super excited with how well I am doing... Emotionally I have been overwhelmed. Thankfully I get to see my therapist in a week! I need this appointment. Until Next Time...

Here We Go, Here We Go Again!!!

Most of the time, people aren't who they say they are... and you find out in some fd up way that you would never expect. Having someones back for an extended amount of time as doesn't change the fact of whether or not they will do the same for you... Honestly, that just exploits that you are vulnerable. Shane and I are once again, moving. Here we go again! Only move number 14 in our first year. School is going good... after 2 weeks I have a 96% in Health and Wellness and a 100% in writing composition... Staying after our dream of helping families who go through similar issues as ourselves is my drive. Shane has to turn himself in October 4th. So we only have just over a month together before he is gone for 30 days. Its hard to think about but in the end, I'll have my baby back and that's all that matters to me. Heaven, Alijah, and Aaliyah... You're on mommy;s mind... Until Next Time...

Keep On, Keepin' On

I'm doing pretty well with dealing with my anger, now my emotions are another thing. When I get upset, sad, or mad, I feel that intense feeling much longer than most people do. My therapist, Shane, and I are working on Dialectical Behavioral therapy for me. Yes, I did begin this previously, but am trying again. I am trying really hard so I hope that I just continue showing improvement, whether I stumble or not, I just want to do this. For more Information on Dialectical Behavioral Therapy CLICK HERE. Shane got another job and he's still been doing tattoos. He's doing really well. He's been working out like crazy! I'll post a picture so you can see for yourself. I am really proud of his recovery and bounce back!

Missin' my babies... It's harder sometimes than others... But, the are definately remembered in our household! We have all 3 of their "Certificate of Life" hanging on our wall! Everyone who comes to visit sees their memory and we awaken everyday to them. I benefit the greatest from that, but Shane has also made comments. Still been working on school. After week 1 I have 100 % in University Composition and week 2 ends today! Until next time...

I finally got my results from the first block of classes of my college career. In Financial Planning, I ended up with a 85.03%, which is a B! Now, honestly I didn't put much effort into this class so this just pushes me to actually try next block. University Studies, didn't start out to well. By the 3rd week in class I had an 52%, because I had sent my assignment in on the wrong week on accident... Dang it! I did it my work but got absolutely no credit. Well I finished this class with a 87.77%, which is a B+... The best part is that my final exam was a personal ethics statement, one of which I fretted over... I got a 100%!!! Helllllll to the yes!!! Needless to say I am content with my grades and these stupid B's... Helps me see that if I would just try I could do much much better...

This and That...

School has been keeping me super busy. I am currently on week 8 so my first block of classes are almost complete. My grades are decent, with both above 80%! WOOO HOOO... Gotta write an essay and take my final exam still but that's about it. I have started working out again, Pilates and weights! :) I also am going to be starting boxing on Monday! I'm scared, but heyyyyyy at least I have my own personal trainer, Shane! :) And it's in the privacy of our own home! We have gotten to spend a lot of needed time with Shane's oldest. I love seeing them together. Shane is such a good dad. The younger two still aren't allowed to come stay with us, but hopefully one day soon. It's just so difficult. I mean Shane and I have been together for almost a year now and we are well into creating our life together... but we are continually missing two very important parts. I finally got to print out Heaven, Alijah, and Aaliyah's "Affirmation of Life and they are proudly displayed on our bedroom wall! :) It's awesome to look up in the morning... see those 3 frames, a picture of Shane and I, and a picture of him and his boys from earlier this year! :)

A Letter 2 My Peas

Alijah Shayne & Aaliyah Kristine, It's so crazy to think that today is your due date. Although, I am sure that you would have been here long before now, I will take today and of course your angelversary to remember you. Even though we did not get to spend much time together, the time we did spend together was most definitely cherished. It's crazy how much I have missed my horrible back pain, nausea, etc since you have been gone. I want to clear something up for you both! I do not ever what you to think that Mommy and Daddy did not want you guys! We were delighted when we found out I was pregnant. The news of having twins hit Daddy kind of hard and it scared him, but as we all 4 know, Daddy made the decision quickly to be in our lives! He loves you too! :) I often wonder how you both look... Do you resemble Mommy or Daddy? Aaliyah, I'm sure you're looking just like your Daddy! Hopefully, you have a little something from me! Would you have been extremely smaller than your brother? Would you love PINK, skirts, dresses, just being a girly-girl, like your Mommy? Alijah, you probably look like your Daddy as well! Such dominate features he has! :/ But, that's ok! Would you look like your older brothers? Bad boy type, like your Daddy? Wrestling, like both sides of the family? I wish I could express the amount of questions and LOVE that I have for you! Happy Would-Be Birthday, my Two Peas!!! Give your BIG sister, Heaven Lee hugs and kisses from Mommy! Most importantly, remember that Daddy and I love you very much, talk about you all of the time, and you keep you in our thoughts/prayers! Until Next Time... Love Always, Mommy

Blogging Plan?!

Well, Shane has been back to work for a week now. I miss him so much throughout the week since we only get to see one another for an hour or so! It sucks, but getting our lives together is important for both of us. He has final pre-trial for the case we caught in December, on Friday! Wish him tons and tons of luck! I want my baby at home with me... noooooo prison time, please?! I have been extremely busy with school! I can not believe that I am 6 weeks into my first block of classes, only 3 more to go until they are completed! I am doing pretty decent... I have a 94% in Personal Finance and a 75% in University Studies... I know the latter of the two isn't so great. I accidently sent my assignment in for the wrong week which inititally made my grade a 62% so it has taken a little bit of time for me to get that grade back up. I think that in the long run it has not only taught me to pay attention when submitting assignments, but I think that I will value my grades more. The struggle of getting it back up is sooooo much work! :/ I should have my new phone here within the next week or so! I miss it so much! But I have learned to live without it! GO ME! Honestly, if it wasn't for school I probably wouldn't even get a new phone! I like the silence! :) So, here's my idea for blogging... I will attempt to blog EVERY MONDAY! I mean there is no excuse that I haven't been! I am on the computer 4 days a week for school... Pathetic I know, but I will try, try, try!!!!!!!

Heaven's Due Date.... 1 year

Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” -Matthew 19:14

Heaven Lee,

It's crazy to think that a year ago today I would have been delivering you! I'm sure that you are in the arms of  the Lord along with your little brother and sister... But I can't express to you enough how much you are loved and missed! Not a day goes by that I don't think about you... what you look like? What achievements you would be reaching... It's hard but one day I will see you and all of my questions will be answered! I love you, Heaven Lee! Happy would-be Birthday Baby Girl!!!

Love Always,
Mommy

Until next time...

The Beginning Of May

Well, This month is starting out completely crappy... There's only a few things that I can even say are actually good, but I plan on making it the BEST!

Shane lost his job, we still don't have our own place, issues from the past (before we were together) continuously try to arise and cause problems, and still waiting on FAFSA to accept my application so that I can start school!!! BUT let me tell you... ALL this BS that I mentioned above isn't going to keep us down... Best BELIEVE THAT! :)

Life Lesson of Today

Never shut off your car when its almost out of gas... its almost a guarantee that there wont be enough gas to push through the hoses. So when you try starting the vehicle, it kills your battery as well as running out of gas!

Cute huh?! Well at least I got Shane to work on time... and I got to hang out in the parking lot for an hour... FUN TIMES!

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A Blessing In Disguise

Welp, its official Shane and I won't be spending much time together this summer! He got a job roofing, which he started yesterday and I start college full time on Monday, I'm taking accounting! Its going to be a rough summer but the end results will be worth it! :) Money, our own place, & the beginning of building our future together!  While he's layed off for the winter, I plan on taking off that quarter of school so we can focus on "us"!

Heaven's due date is just around the corner... she would have been 1 on May 3rd! Baby Loss Mother's Day! Alijah and Aaliyah's due date is July 18th! With all this sooooo close together, emotionally I have been struggling and I feel as though I have no one I can turn to, to communicate my feelings! I know Shane is there and would be willing to listen... He just has so much going on I dont want to burden him with the emotional stuggle that I am enduring! Plus I feel like he doesn't understand where Im coming from since he does have 3 living children!

Overall, I know I have a BLESSED life! God has put me to the test, a test that I can and will overcome in the very near future! With the help of the Lord and an undoubtedly supportive man, I feel as though I can weather even the worst of storms!

Until next time....

          Mommy loves you Heaven, Alijah, and Aaliyah! <3

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Birthday Pix- April 10th

My 25th birthday was yesterday and it was amazing just spending time with the love of my life... Shane made me a delicious steak dinner and got me a rose! :) Couldnt ask for a better man in my life!

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A Walk At Midnight -April 4th

Shane, Mo, and I took a late night walk together.... how relaxing?!

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First Trip Of The Season To The Pier

Shane, Kaleb, and I took a trip to the pier a few weeks back.... Its absolutely breathtaking, although to be honest I cant wait until the lake is a little cleaner! It was a beautiful day but the wind off of the lake was a little chilly!

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6 Months Together

For our 6 months Shane gave me a special gift.... a "blooming heart" rose tattoo done by mine truly :) Done on March 11th!

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Time With Monk

Here's a few pix from my time spent with my Monk Monk last week!

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I Thought I Saw A Rainbow

November 22, 2011- I had been feeling nauseous for a week or so, Shane kept telling me it was time to POAS but I was secretly fearing what I already knew was true. I wont lie, I was terrified because I didn't want to go thru what I did with my previous loss but on the other hand seeing those 2 lines, I was sooooo happy I can't even explain it to you!

Obviously, I had AmandaBears tweak and decorate the test for me, thanks girl you know that meant the world to me! I wanted to wait to tell Shane because the next day was his birthday. After he asked and asked for a little over 2 hours I finally gave in and sent him the picture of the decorated test, wishing Daddy a happy early birthday! He seemed excited and immediately started spreading the news.

At my doctors appointment I found out that I was due July 18 and I was put on bed rest (high-risk) since I had a miscarriage just over a year before. I got to thinking about it and I started looking at the O date, which happened to fall on the weekend we went to VA and on the way home stayed in the cabin. I had to have blood work done multiple times because my progesterone was coming back extremely low and my beta levels had dropped. I also was experiencing horrible lower back pain that sent me to the ER multiple times, that is where I received the most exciting yet scary news! There on the ultrasound machine were 2 little heartbeats, Baby A and Baby B! Ahhhhhh! Twins! Faternal Twins to be exact! At 7w5d Baby A was measuring 7w4d and Baby B was 5w2 days but both of their heart rates were under 80. Come to find out, the reason that we were even having twins is something called Superfetation. Superfetation is when you ovulate, get pregnant, and then ovulate again. My progestrone was so low it had allowed another egg to be released.

On December 7, 2011 I had to take yet another trip to the ER because of my lower back pain and that is when I was told the most devastating news, their was no heartbeats! On that night, part of me died. My rainbow changed to the darkest storm I had weathered this far in life!  I carried my sweet peas for 2 weeks, my body for some reason just wouldn't let them go.  After 2 more weeks, I naturally passed the twins on the day after Christmas at 10 weeks 5 days!

Aaliyah and Alijah,

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about you! Your mommy misses you so much and I hold a special place in my heart for my "Peas". Im so glad that your dad and I got to experience creating you, spending time with you, and throughout all this LOVING you! I know that you Peas saw mommy and daddy going through some hard times... BUT its so important to me that you both know that even though it would have been hard, we LOVE you and WANTED you to be apart of our lives..... I love you, my dear Peas! I hope your enjoying playing with the other angel babies and that you found your dear sister, Heaven. Until we meet again rest easy knowing your in the Lord's home....

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